Conniving Cat

BUSTER: What'cha drinkin'?

MATT: Guinness stout mixed with Harp Lager. (sips and returns mug to table)

BUSTER: What's that? (sniffs mug)

MATT: Beer. They call it black & tan, though some call it half and half. I prefer the former.

BUSTER: You know you're a truck driver, right?

MATT: So? (sips again)

BUSTER: Should you be drinking that?

MATT: I'm off on vacation!!! Woo-hoo!!! (tilts head back and howls some more) Woooo-hooo!!!

BUSTER: Meeeoooowwww!!!! That's right! No more truck for two whole weeks!!! Hey, gimmie some.

MATT: NO!!! No beer for you!

BUSTER: Why not?

MATT: It's bad for cats....like chocolate...and salt...and...(looks to sky...then to ground)...and certain kinds of mushrooms.

BUSTER: I don't think BEER is on the list.

MATT: (skeptically) I think alcohol is...and beer has alcohol.

BUSTER: Okay then. What do I get to celebrate with?

MATT: Uh...(eyes looking around...getting rather sluggish) Whaddya want?

BUSTER: BEER!!!

MATT: No! Anything bu' thatt!...Besides, I don't have any leff' (chugs the last of the litre mug).

BUSTER: There's more in the fridge. (runs to fridge and opens door...paws at Harp bottle...bottle falls out of fridge)

MATT: HEY!!!

BUSTER: Too late... I got me one! (smiling defiantly)

MATT: You'll never get i' open. (smiling confidently). You go' no thumbs, kitty!

BUSTER: All right! What do you want for opening this?

MATT: Uh...a wife! (laughs)

BUSTER: Done.

MATT: Huh? (disbelief). Oh..., I see.... You're gonna pluck one from the vine, huh?

BUSTER: Open that door (pointing paw to hotel door) and I'll go out and find you one.

MATT: Yeah..., right. (laughs)

BUSTER: No foolin'. You gotta remember, I'm a chick magnet. When the chickies see me they fawn and go "awww, what a cute kitty" and they pick me up and pet me--that's your cue. You move in and claim me. The rest happens naturally.

MATT: (contemplating and buzzing from beer) Tha' could work. My goo'ness that cou' werk.

BUSTER: Sure it could. And it will. (nodding)

MATT: (nodding with Buster) Okay...(walks somewhat crookedly to door and opens it)

BUSTER: (walks cautiously to door...looks up at Matt) So long....suckerrrrrr! (Buster runs out into hallway and sprints for main front door) Birdies! Birdies! Where are those crunchy birdies?!? I'm comin' tah getcha!!!

MATT: (sobering up some) Hey! Heeeeyyy!!! (running out into hallway) (seeing hotel manager) GET HIM!!!

HOTEL MANAGER: The cat?

MATT: YEEEESS!!! THAT CAT!!! (pointing to Buster) BLOCK HIM!!!

HOTEL MANAGER: Okay okay. What's his problem? (reaches down to grab Buster by back legs)

MATT: He doesn' like being a house cat.

BUSTER: NO no no no no no. You bastards! I wanna go out! ....(to self) Oh....so close....and yet....so far...(shaking his head)

MATT: (picking up Buster) Getting me a wife, huh?

BUSTER: (innocently) I was overcome by the whiff of freedom. (smiling but rather fake) I can still try to find yah one.

MATT: No thanks. I have enough trouble with you. (walking back to room holding cat)

Buster's Appearance on the David Litterbox Show

DAVID LITTERBOX: So, you’re Buster….is that short for anything? (audience giggles)

BUSTER: Depends on who you talk to. Best not to go there.

D.L.: Gotcha. Well, tell us a little about yourself then.

B: Well David, I’m a domestic short haired cat. I’m mostly black as you can see, with white on my muzzle and belly. Oh, and my paws, too.

D.L.: Yes, very nice…and very shiny, too. Hey Paul, isn’t Buster’s coat shiny?

PAUL SCRAPER: Yeah sure, whatever, Dave. Ha ha ha. Here’s my Buster song: (organ starts, Paul sings) Hey Buster Buster…You gotta nice shiny coat, oh yeah…!(very weak applause from audience)

D.L.: Yes, thank you Paul (nods and smiles).

B: (yawns)

D.L.: Okay, so you’re new on the scene. Where’d ya come from?

B: Well,…Matt, my owner, rescued me from a shelter in Easton, PA. Though it really seemed like a nut house to me. Bunch of cats with “problems,” ya know? And we’re all unwanted, too. It was a life of squalor I don’t care to return to. Plus, they “fixed” me there. You know what I mean? (audience gasp)

D.L.: Yes, and we know just how painful that can be. But now you’re out of there and doing what?

B: Well, I’m living with Matt, usually in his truck except when we stop for 4 or 5 days and get a hotel.

D.L.: My lack of God! You live in a truck? (audience gasp)

B: Yes, a semi truck with a stand-up sleeper. Pretty roomy for me. Plus I get to sit up on the dash and admire the view.

D.L.: Okay, but what about these hotels? Are they fleabags? (audience laughter)

B: No, he’s very choosy about where we stay. Sure is lots nicer than that Green Room of yours. I asked the lady for sardines and she gave me sushi! Not for me, babe.

D.L.: So what do you do at these hotels?

B: Uh, run around the room a lot, chase flies that aren’t really there, scratch up the furniture, and fling my toys around the room like there’s no tomorrow.

D.L.: So what’s next for you?

B: I’m workin’ on runnin’ away. Cats are never fully satisfied with what they have, and hey, I’ve done it before. I need to get out into that tall grass and chase bugs and crunchy birds. If I found a mouse…oh, that would be awesome.

D.L.: Wouldn’t you miss cat food?

B: Yeah, I might. He feeds me that gourmet stuff,….Pro-somethin’. It aint bad for dry food, but sometimes yah just gotta eat something that’s movin’.

D.L.: Like Tweety! You know, (pointing at Buster) you look a lot like Sylvester! (more audience laughter)

B: That’s an insult! Sylvester is a boob! (audience gasp) Why he can’t catch that scrawny little yellow bird with the oversized head is beyond me. It’s embarrassing to watch (light applause from audience).

D.L.: Yes, but…

B: Forget it, Dave. I’m outa here. (throws his saucer of milk at Dave and saunters out)(audience gasps again) (music plays) (cut to commercial).

Parking Lot Etiquette

Tonight we are in Lake Park, GA at the Travel Centers of America arguing about what to do about an incident that happened only moments ago, not more than 20 feet from our truck.

MATT: (exasperated) Well, just what do you want me to do about it? Go pick it up with my bare hands?

BUSTER: (flabbergasted) The hands you pet me with? No way do I want that...that...that filth on my head!

MATT: (pointing) It's up to that s.o.b. who stood there looking away while his dog did that to pick it up.

BUSTER: (interrupting)...with his bare hands! And then pet his mutt on the head! (nodding) Yeah!...that's right! What a pig. He just let him do it right in the middle of the parking lot. How do I know you won't be tracking that in here?

MATT: I'll be careful.

BUSTER: (interrupting again) ...but you'll forget tomorrow-- tomorrow morning when it's early...and you'll bring it back with you. Well, you aint comin' back in here if you bring that doggie doo with you, pal. Versteh?

MATT: When the hell did I teach you German?

BUSTER: (doing Schultz) I know nuth-ing!...nnnnnuth-ing!

MATT: Oh yes, the Hogan's Heroes DVDs

BUSTER: Go talk to the guy!

MATT: And say what? I know what his answer will be. He'll say his dog goes where it wants to and he can't control it, and he didn't plan it, blah blah blah with a hillbilly accent. Besides, he looks kinda scary.

BUSTER: I don't believe it! You're afraid.

MATT: Tomorrow night we'll watch Deliverance and you'll see why. No, seriously. I'm not afraid of the guy. It's just that I know how it will end---probably a shouting match that gets so silly it loses its meaning. Never argue with an idiot. You'll sound like one yourself.

BUSTER: That's a cop out. Just go out there and scratch him. (claws the air to make his point)

MATT: Why don't YOU do that and I'll bail you out of Animal Control.

BUSTER: (shivers) oooooh.....No way! Sadists--all of them!

MATT: (laughs) All right then. We'll just sit here and make fun of the guy on our C.B. radio and get someone else to beat him up.

BUSTER: Good idea! Maybe get a rottweiler after him! They're nasty.

Countdown to Vacation

Only nine days until vacation time!!! Woo-hoo!!! Then we get a hotel!!! Lots of room to run around crazy and dig my claws into the carpet... But nine days is a very long time....too long. I'll try not to think about it. Two weeks sitting in one place...in one hotel...not driving...not in a kennel...no motion sickness....no throwing up (at least not as much)...

Matt seems to be having just as much trouble with this as I am. He keeps forgetting things...like his underwear...or eating meals...using his turn signal...which exit to get off on...what direction he's going...which state he's driving in... Everyday seems twice as long...as the minutes drag on...until he pulls our truck into the terminal yard and drops that puppy on its nose---no!...on its landing gear,..uh yes, that's it.

MATT: I really don't know if I want to write about my underwear.

BUSTER: Relax. It'll be fine. It looks real. The readers will dig it. Besides, it's all true. You forgot to wear your undies yesterday, and your boys were all over the place.

MATT: I doubt anyone really noticed.

BUSTER: Yeah, uh-huh. You said that waitress in Bloomington was especially nice to you. Now we know why. Really, Matt. That's why women love cats so much. We don't wear underpants either.

MATT: I see. I think maybe I should try not to think about it.

BUSTER: Women and underwear?

MATT: No! My vacation. The more I think about taking two weeks off, the slower it comes, and the crazier I get.

BUSTER: Yeah, I hear yah. Like yesterday when I thought your leg was my scratch-post. Does it feel better tonight?

MATT: I'll get over it. The rubbing alcohol helps.

BUSTER: Sorry about that.

MATT: Don't mention it.

BUSTER: So what are we gonna do?

MATT: About what?

BUSTER: What are we gonna do on our vacation?

MATT: Well, WE are gonna get a hotel, where YOU are gonna lay around all day and run around all night keeping me up, like you always do when we take time off. But I will do a little traveling here and there in my car with the camera.

BUSTER: Oh yeah? Got any examples of your camera work?

MATT: Yes, I do.





















BUSTER: And what the heck is that?

MATT: That is the Washington Monument in a kind of sepia tone.

BUSTER: You nerd.

MATT: Yup! And proud of it.