Monday, May 28, 2007

Conniving Cat

BUSTER: What'cha drinkin'?

MATT: Guinness stout mixed with Harp Lager. (sips and returns mug to table)

BUSTER: What's that? (sniffs mug)

MATT: Beer. They call it black & tan, though some call it half and half. I prefer the former.

BUSTER: You know you're a truck driver, right?

MATT: So? (sips again)

BUSTER: Should you be drinking that?

MATT: I'm off on vacation!!! Woo-hoo!!! (tilts head back and howls some more) Woooo-hooo!!!

BUSTER: Meeeoooowwww!!!! That's right! No more truck for two whole weeks!!! Hey, gimmie some.

MATT: NO!!! No beer for you!

BUSTER: Why not?

MATT: It's bad for chocolate...and salt...and...(looks to sky...then to ground)...and certain kinds of mushrooms.

BUSTER: I don't think BEER is on the list.

MATT: (skeptically) I think alcohol is...and beer has alcohol.

BUSTER: Okay then. What do I get to celebrate with?

MATT: Uh...(eyes looking around...getting rather sluggish) Whaddya want?


MATT: No! Anything bu' thatt!...Besides, I don't have any leff' (chugs the last of the litre mug).

BUSTER: There's more in the fridge. (runs to fridge and opens door...paws at Harp bottle...bottle falls out of fridge)


BUSTER: Too late... I got me one! (smiling defiantly)

MATT: You'll never get i' open. (smiling confidently). You go' no thumbs, kitty!

BUSTER: All right! What do you want for opening this?

MATT: Uh...a wife! (laughs)


MATT: Huh? (disbelief). Oh..., I see.... You're gonna pluck one from the vine, huh?

BUSTER: Open that door (pointing paw to hotel door) and I'll go out and find you one.

MATT: Yeah..., right. (laughs)

BUSTER: No foolin'. You gotta remember, I'm a chick magnet. When the chickies see me they fawn and go "awww, what a cute kitty" and they pick me up and pet me--that's your cue. You move in and claim me. The rest happens naturally.

MATT: (contemplating and buzzing from beer) Tha' could work. My goo'ness that cou' werk.

BUSTER: Sure it could. And it will. (nodding)

MATT: (nodding with Buster) Okay...(walks somewhat crookedly to door and opens it)

BUSTER: (walks cautiously to door...looks up at Matt) So long....suckerrrrrr! (Buster runs out into hallway and sprints for main front door) Birdies! Birdies! Where are those crunchy birdies?!? I'm comin' tah getcha!!!

MATT: (sobering up some) Hey! Heeeeyyy!!! (running out into hallway) (seeing hotel manager) GET HIM!!!


MATT: YEEEESS!!! THAT CAT!!! (pointing to Buster) BLOCK HIM!!!

HOTEL MANAGER: Okay okay. What's his problem? (reaches down to grab Buster by back legs)

MATT: He doesn' like being a house cat.

BUSTER: NO no no no no no. You bastards! I wanna go out! ....(to self) close....and far...(shaking his head)

MATT: (picking up Buster) Getting me a wife, huh?

BUSTER: (innocently) I was overcome by the whiff of freedom. (smiling but rather fake) I can still try to find yah one.

MATT: No thanks. I have enough trouble with you. (walking back to room holding cat)

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