Monday, December 31, 2007

New Fred Thompson Video

BUSTER: Okay, so whose that talkin'? Is it you?

MATT: Does it sound like me?

BUSTER: No, I guess not. He drawls too much.

MATT: That's right. It's not me. Its some guy named John Hawkins from Right Wing News. He did a good job with this, I think.

BUSTER: Yeah, he di--- whoops! What's that about children and puppies? Children scare me...and I can't stand those idiot drooling canines at any age!

MATT: Hmmm.... Not to worry. It says "...people who hate children and puppies. You aren't people.

BUSTER: (looking suspiciously at Matt) You trying to tell me something?

MATT: (rolls eyes) Nope.

Siricomm Pinheads Run For The Exits

Either I or Matt have mentioned problems in the past with getting online while on the road, not having much in the way of good WIFI from which to choose. The few good choices remain the same...but they'll be a little more lonely. For the worst of them has declared bankruptcy!!!

They are/were the biggest truck stop WIFI outfit in the country, and the most expensive. But they were also the most unreliable and pathetic bunch of hacks in the industry. I am speaking of Siricomm, which, until recently, could be found at nearly every Pilot, Petro, or Loves truck stop in the country. As of 12-29-07 they are history, along with hundreds of employees, most of whom had not been paid in nearly a month.

So what happened? Well, like Boston Market...a good idea at first, they pitched their tents in too many places and let quality go by the wayside. Siricomm could be found in more than three times the truck stops as the nearest competitor, but had all kinds of technical issues, not the least of which was poor reception on mildly cloudy days. The problem was that everything was done via satellite. Some WIFI providers use cell towers, others use underground cables to connect the truck stops with the host provider before beaming the signals to individual customers (most of whom sat in their trucks in truck stop parking lots). Siricomm beamed from their base in Joplin to satellites, and from satellites to truck stops, who beamed to customers. Along the way any storm, or approaching storm, or clouds, or approaching clouds, or pooping seagulls, or lost parakeets flying by would interrupt the signal causing the trucker much anguish.

The other problem was the cost. Siricomm was charging $189.00 for a year's worth of WIFI when other companies were charging $120.00 to $150.00 with far better service and 54 Mbps (vs. Siricomm's mere 11 Mbps). The only question I have at this point is this: How did they last this long???

My thanks to Matt for doing the typing and most of the research on this while I ate my ProPlan Hairball treatment cereal. Yum-yum.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

My Christmas Letter To All My Friends And Relatives

Well, this year was a horrible year with all kinds of suffering and strife. Guess Ill start at the beginning. I threw up so much this year I thought I was gonna die. Then Matt yelled at me a lot when I was bad. Then I threw up some more and saw a dog poop in a parking lot and got away with it. We stayed at lots of motels, some good, some not so good. And then-----

MATT: (interrupting) This isn't really your Christmas letter, is it?

BUSTER: Yes,...I wanted to be honest about things and---

MATT: (interrupting again) It doesn't sound very honest when you only mention the bad things. There were some pretty good things that happened this year.


MATT: Like the fact that the good vet found a medication that stopped you from all that puking. In fact you haven't puked once since December 3rd.

BUSTER: You're keeping score?

MATT: Sure. Its what I do. You could have also mentioned the new apartment we got last week with the huge windows you love...

BUSTER: Yes....and the birds (looking into space)....oh the birds. So mannnny biiiirrrrdddss. And the window sills are so deep. Lots of room for me.

MATT: And what did you get for Christmas early??

BUSTER: That was my Christmas present? Oh. I got a crows nest.

MATT: Yes! And you loved it!

BUSTER: Yes yes yes. Okay, I love it a lot.

MATT: Too bad I didn't get a picture of you in it. Will do so next time.

BUSTER: Its so tall! I'm as tall as you when I lay in the top level.

MATT: Almost.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Wake Up!

MATT: Now that's what it's like in the truck every morning...minus the baseball bat.

BUSTER: I don't have any idea what you're talking about.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Apartment Found

Oddly enough, Matt says he found us an apartment. You may remember his tale of apartment hunting last summer in which he was nearly swindled by several nefarious characters posing as landlords near Harrisburg, PA. Actually they were landlords, and very tricksy ones, too--

MATT: (interrupting) Yes, they were quite tricksy as you say. But I finally found one that appears to be above board, accepts cats, and makes things in general rather livable.

BUSTER: And I don't have to be declawed???

MATT: Nope!

BUSTER: When do we move in?

MATT: Middle of next month.

BUSTER: What city? Do you have pictures of the place? Do I get my own room? Does it have windows? Are there lots of mice and bugs for me to chase? I love flies. Are there lots of flies to catch?

MATT: Goodness! Uhm...I can't say the city. It's our business--no one else's. I don't have pictures, but they do...on line. But we'll look at those together, later. You remember the internet is like a large city...with lots of scary people who eat cats?

BUSTER: Koreans?

MATT: Yeah, them too. You won't get you own room. Neither will I. It's a studio, so it's rather small. But for something so small, the windows are rather large. We'll have three of them, so lots of light. There is a chocolate factory on the other side of town, so we'll have the aroma of chocolate most days. I know that doesn't mean that much to you.

BUSTER: No, it doesn't. Now a catnip factory...that would matter! Tell me more about the windows...

MATT: I didn't measure them, but they seemed to be about 3' wide and over 7 feet high. And there's a thick wire outside running left to right where birds like to perch.

BUSTER: (perking up) Birds? Crunchy birdses?

MATT: *sigh* Yes...have you been watching Lord of the Rings again?

BUSTER: I dunno.

MATT: There are no bugs that I saw, or flies either. And we're on the second floor just across from the elevator.


MATT: What?


MATT: Being across from the elevator?

BUSTER: Yup. Dumb.

MATT: Why?

BUSTER: Noise.

MATT: It won't be that bad. I have a noise maker on the way that creates white noise that will drown out the noise from the elevator while we're sleeping.

BUSTER: (shaking head) I won't even ask.

MATT: Good...don't.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Vets Day

MATT: Know what today is?

BUSTER: Uh....Vet's Day?

MATT: Veterans Day, yes. And do you know the significance of that?

BUSTER: (worried) I have to go to the vet again?

MATT: (laughing) No. It's a day dedicated to-

BUSTER: (interrupting) (somewhat panicky) I HAVEN'T THROWN UP AT ALL. I FEEL FINE. HERE, (grabs Matt's hand, applies to Buster's nose) SEE? MY NOSE IS SLIGHTLY DAMP. THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT??? AND AND HERE, (applies Matt's hand to Buster's forehead) AND I DON'T HAVE A FEVER EITHER!

MATT: Calm down. I know you aren't sick. And your forehead isn't where we take your temperature, either.

BUSTER: *gasps* (backs away)

MATT: Will you relax, already?!? Veterans Day is a day honoring those who have served our country in uniform.

BUSTER: Like the guy in the car with flashing lights who pulled you over that one time?

MATT: No. Not unless he served in the United States Military at some time in his life. It's a day to honor those who made the sacrifice to serve, not only in time of war....but especially then, I guess. It started after the end of World War One....

BUSTER: (rolling eyes) we go...

MATT: Fine. I thought you wanted to know.

BUSTER: I just wanted to know that I wouldn't have to be...examined...again, that's all. The rest just doesn't interest me.

MATT: Would the loss of your freedom interest you? Or taking all those great things for granted each day? Would that interest you? What if you had to ask the government for permission each time we stayed in a hotel or crossed from one state line to another?

BUSTER: That would suck.

MATT: Veterans have insured our freedom for 231 years and counting by putting on the uniform and defending this nation from tyranny.

BUSTER: Okay okay. So what are we gonna do today?

MATT: Watch football.

BUSTER: That's it? No celebration? No parade?

MATT: It's kinda chilly outside. And I'm tired from yesterday.

BUSTER: But if it's as important as you say it is,....we gotta do something! We gotta show our support...or whose gonna put on the uniform and sacrifice again when it's needed?

MATT: Good point. Tell you what,...while I'm out today....if/when I see someone in uniform, I'll thank him or her for their service to our country.

BUSTER: You darn well better! And thank him for me, too.

Thursday, November 8, 2007


BUSTER: I fixed it!!! I fixed it!!! (pointing to damage on hood of truck)

MATT: (laying in sleeper birth) (waking up) Huh?? What?? You fixed...what?

BUSTER: I fixed the hood! I did it! Look! (pointing again with paw) Good as new! See?

MATT: (blankly) Duct tape?..... (to self) Red duct tape?

BUSTER: (proudly) YEAH! All fixed.

MATT: Hmmm. Yeah, you can hardly tell.... And the color...oh the color.


MATT:'s red. Just like the truck. Uh....(puzzled) How did you get out there, for one. And how did you tape it without opposable thumbs?

BUSTER: Steroids. You've been giving me steroids, and now I'm Super Kitty.

MATT: (glaringly) How did you get out?!?

BUSTER: (pointing at Matt) YOU left the wing open. So I squeezed out and fixed your hood for you.

MATT: Prednisolone in a transdermal form does not make you buff, Kitty.

BUSTER: Must be the Pro Plan then. I'm not throwing it up anymore, so I have more energy to spend.

MATT: Will it break your furry little heart if I have additional work done, you know, just to smooth it out a little?

BUSTER: Well frankly, I just don't see that as being...necessary. It looks great now.

MATT: Yes, it could fool anybody...until it rains.

BUSTER: It won't rain!

MATT: Well, actually it will, as it tends to do so in the Autumn.

BUSTER: Well...don't drive in the rain then. (nodding once firmly)

MATT: (resigned) Sure.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Rude Awakening!

BUSTER: So what the heck happened this morning?

MATT: Whaddya mean?

BUSTER: You know...around 2am when you were in bed...and the truck shook....and then shook again....and all that crunching noise.

MATT: Oh, that. Some rookie hit the truck.

BUSTER: Whaddya mean?

MATT: I mean that some sleepy, idiot truck driver with only 2 months experience felt too cocky to get out of his truck and look while he was backing into a spot next to us when he wasn't sure what he saw...or didn't see. And so he crunched the right front section of my truck's hood with the side of this trailer. And that's after he backed into my side mirror.

BUSTER: So he hit us twice, right?

MATT: Yeah. But he said he didn't realize he did it the first time....or the second. I had to get my pants on and run out there.

BUSTER: Yeah, I remember. I heard you shouting at him, "please stop hitting my truck, dammit!" Or something like that.

MATT: I didn't say "dammit"...did I?

BUSTER: I thought you did. So did he try to run off or weasel out of it?

MATT: No, he said he was sorry and cooperated fully. Nice change from some of those others.

BUSTER: Got a picture?

MATT: Let me check...yup, here it is.

BUSTER: Ooooh. That looks like crap.

MATT: Yeah, I was pretty upset. But I didn't call the police this time.

BUSTER: How come?

MATT: When I got my employer on the phone he asked to speak to the other guy and got him to admit fault. If he hadn't done that I'd have gotten a cop to do that.

BUSTER: But you said he apologized.

MATT: Yeah, they tend to do that at the time. But later on after the dust settles they start thinking about the precarious nature of their standing at their own job...and sometimes change their story. He might say it was me who hit him.

BUSTER: Well, I'm a witness. I heard him admit fault, too.

MATT: (laughing) Oh that's rich. Can you picture me taking you into court and setting you on the judges bench for you to testify? "Meow meow meow meeooow meow meeeeooow...etc"

BUSTER: (nose in air) Hmmmf! I think I'd make a very good impression...especially if the judge is female. And my meow is impeccable.

MATT: Yes, you're right about that.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Medication At Last

Okay, finally we made it back through that little town in PA where Matt has his PO Box. That means that finally I have my steroid medicine: Prednisolone in a transdermal form. That means Matt smears it in the inside flap of my ear. Good for me. I hate pills. I choke on them and they make me moody.

Hopefully this new med will keep me from puking so much. I dunno. The shot in the rump I got last month was supposed to last a whole month. It didn't. It only lasted 17 days...and then I started barfing again...and moaning and stuff. I hate being sick.

It's .05 ml, which on the syringe measuring thing is equal to one drop. Weird thing is that is comes out like a cream, not liquid. Anyway I do that twice daily for a week, then once daily for the next week, and then every other day for two weeks. I hope Matt is keeping track of all that because I can't due to my lack of time comprehension beyond a day. So I'll let the 320 lbs trucker be my doctor and let the litter box biscuits fall where they may.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Why I Will Never Live With A Dog

This proves once and for all that cats have been framed all these years by evil drooling dogs who run amok and wreak havoc...and...and...and and pretend to like you. Yeah. Cats don't do any of that. It's DOGS.... DOGS do that.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Two Steps Forward...One Step Backwards

This morning Matt spoke with a Dell rep in Oklahoma City who found the problem. Seems Matt had never upgraded to Explorer 7 and was still using the antiquated 6. While there must have been an update years ago for 6, that update is no longer available--therefore primitive fonts. Since upgrading to Explorer 7 the remaining problem has been corrected.

I also found out that Dell is expanding its tech support team in Oklahoma City in order to possibly reverse the outsourcing trend. If this is so then Matt could possibly be talked into buying another Dell some day. I can dream, can't I?

Good news from the good vet. The steroids that assuage my puking tendencies are available in ear-drop form. They will be mailed to Matt's PO Box early next week. And not a moment too soon. I puked yesterday morning and again moments ago. Feeling a little weak and dizzy. Must tread carefully in the truck while moving. Will try to talk Matt into buying me some baby food in the meantime.

No News Means I Don't Feel Like Reporting The Bad News

Much has happened since Sept. 30th. I caught a very bad cold. So bad I was sneezing this creamy junk all over Matt's windshield, Matt's chair, Matt's steering wheel, Matt's bed, and Matt. I was forced to choke down 16 pills in eight days to fight the virus, which lost the battle. I was well again.

Just then a virus (Trojan KillAV) broke through Symantec Norton's firewall and hijacked the control panel and reeked havoc utterly. There was great gnashing of teeth and tearing of clothing in anguish. Our files were laid waste and we were forced to format the entire hard drive. I guess Norton was out to lunch when Matt hit the "tech support" button. Even Dell wanted $150 for one day's work or $250 for a year's contract to fix the problem.

My solution was to re-download Windows XP, which Matt whole-heartedly agreed to do. It took almost 5 hours on the phone with the Dell tech support guy in India (who promised to call back and didn't), and then a 2nd call to Dell in the Phillipines to a nice lady who stayed on the phone the whole time. But there is still a problem. The fonts on every site we go to look very primitive---almost like the Pent 2 laptop Matt had in 1999, so he claims. Have re-downloaded Adobe 8 Reader and acrobat, along with Adobe Flashplayer---no change. Think maybe Dell sent Matt the wrong Drive disc to upload. Matt will look into that later.

To make matters even worse,...I went 17 days without puking, but now am starting again. The steroid shot worked but was only temporary. The good vet is looking into ear drops as a way to apply said steroids, and will mail them to Matt. Good. I'm sick of puking my cereal all over the rugs...and the bed...and the chair...and the dashboard...

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Zzzzzzzzzz....Happy Anniversary.....zzzzzzzzzz

Aaaaaaahhhh. Now this is more like it. Curled up by the window....on a chair....covered by the bedspread so I don't claw the crap outa the chair....snoozing away.....until Matt comes along with that stupid camera....

MATT: Sorry to bother you, bud.

BUSTER: Oh,...really?

MATT: Yes,...I am. Enjoying the good life?

BUSTER: Trying.

MATT: Okay, I'll leave you alone for a bit.

BUSTER: Great idea.

MATT: Oh, and one more thing....

BUSTER: *Sigh*...What?!?

MATT: Happy Anniversary!

BUSTER: Oh yeah?

MATT: Yep,'s been exactly two years since I adopted you from a life of squalor at the Easton, PA shelter (SPCA).

BUSTER: Oh,...the nut-house. Yes, I remember. I wonder if Cookie is still there. She used to growl when she got picked up....otherwise very friendly.

MATT: Yes, I remember....Would you like to go back and visit your friends?

BUSTER: Heck no! Most of them probably got sent to Korean restaurants by now.

MATT: They don't do that!...But some who weren't adopted....I dunno....maybe they had know.

BUSTER: Yes,...I know...(puts paw to throat and makes gagging noise). I remember I was there almost a year before I got chosen.

MATT: Yeah. Must've been all that dry heaving you were doing.

BUSTER: Hairballs! They were hairballs and I couldn't bring them up. I must've looked awfully good otherwise....for you to choose me.

MATT: Yep,...a combination of looks and personality. Besides,... you chose me, too. That's the main thing I was looking for.

BUSTER: Well, I was desperate.

MATT: I see.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Belly Shaved And Wallet Fleeced

Uuugggghhhhhh!!! Yesterday I spent hours...I mean several hours in that plastic prison cell...a kennel, Matt calls it...due to several mishaps.

It started when Matt and I pulled into a certain customer's facility (customer shall remain nameless), and got delayed. Then we drove a couple of hours to the terminal and then the hotel, where Matt was told our room was given to someone else (even though Matt reserved it with his credit card). Oops! So we drove down to Malvern, PA where we were put in the handicap room with a microwave 2 feet above the floor. Great for me, not for Matt.

That was yesterday. This morning we missed our Nissan service appointment to fix the blower thing in the car and couldn't get it rescheduled before we return to the road (in the truck). While at the vet (appointment rescheduled) this afternoon Matt spent $500.00+ so the vet could shave my belly and do an ultra-sound. They found nothing but bright light shining around the divider between my small and large intestines. No bezoars or anything at all in my stomach. No tumours or anything like that. Just shiny sphincters in my entrails, for which I received a steroid shot in the rear. Yeeoowww!!!! But fortunately I was gassed for most of this humiliating experience. Hopefully this will stop me from vomiting so often.

Now I'm relieved to be out of the truck after 5 hours today, driving from Malvern to Bethlehem, being man-handled, and driving back to Malvern. Good thing I fasted or there would be a terrific mess in that plastic prison cell.

Got to eat when we got to the hotel. Now all is peaceful again.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Fight The Good Fight...

BUSTER: Oh, yeah....gotta love that profile of mine!

MATT: Hmm, okay. But what are you doing on MY side of the truck? You plan on driving soon?

BUSTER: No, I was just waiting for YOU to come back from wherever you went. What do those two signs say, anyway?

MATT: Well, one says you blog for Fred Thompson. We,...actually. And the other warns people not to go near you for your nasty disposition.

BUSTER: That's not true! I'm very sociable and you know it. And what a poor likeness. I have more white on me than that. And what's with all the bug guts on the window? Couldn't you clean the windshield just for the picture?

MATT: Nope. All the squeegies were broken at the last fuel stop.

BUSTER: So where are we going now?

MATT: To Chattanooga....and then somewhere else...and then to Allentown-Bethlehem, but not before Ahmadinejad escapes from New York.

BUSTER: Who???

MATT: The Iranian know the whack-job who thinks the Holocaust didn't happen...and he wants to destroy Israel and the US. I was just saying we won't get to the greater NYC area before he leaves. I really wanted to go to the UN Building and shout insults at him as he comes and goes.

BUSTER: I see.

MATT: Plus, maybe I'd get to meet Pamela Geller. I'm sure she's be there with a whole gang to protest this Hitler-clown.

BUSTER: But why are you so worked up?

MATT: Buster,...just picture a big stinky dog pissing in your litter box...or better yet, your water dish!

BUSTER: Is he drooling too?

MATT: Yes he is!

BUSTER: (seething with anger) Oooooooh, I'd scratch him good! (swiping the air with open claws).

MATT: Good kitty! But we would try to be a little less violent with the Iranian President, even though he deserves to be scratched...and then some.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Porter, IN

Today was a very relaxing day at Porter, IN. Matt and I took advantage of the 34 hour restart option that is still legal at this time, which resets our hours of service back to 70 available hours (for the next 8 days, starting tomorrow).

It seems that certain people would like to see the entire hours of service improvements thrown out the window, so we can go back to 8 hour breaks, 10 hour driving shifts and 15+hour work days. Matt says that sounds like crap, that 8 hours isn't enough time to sleep, shower, eat, do your business, and unwind. I tend to agree. More on this later...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Fred Up By 8 Over Rudy

Matt just told me he saw a Rasmussen poll that shows our guy, Fred Thompson, up by 8 points over Rudy Giuliani. That's great, but I'll bet Rudy starts scratching like an angry kitty, now.

Gotta go! Matt sez we gotta get up to Michigan by 5pm and we won't make it, so we gotta apologize a lot to the dispatcher and stuff. Wait a minute....gotta catch a fly.....(claw...stuffing in mouth...gulp)...there. Where was I?....

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Fred's Formal Announcement

BUSTER: Okay, here it is.

MATT: You sure?


Fundraising For Fred

Matt is taking a well deserved nap, while I fumble with the keyboard trying to figure out how to post a You Tube video of Fred Thompson. I'll see if I can find a new one for ya. Not that we're gonna be all Fred all the time....but since he has officially thrown his hat in we should get with the program.

You may have noticed that button on the right just above the blog archives. Yes, we're taking contributions for Fred! Of course we don't see one dime of that money...but if we raise enough dough for him Matt might get appointed to some patronage job like Secretary to the UN or ambassador to Cleveland....or something that would get us outa the truck. Sometimes it's just too much for me, being a cat and all...bouncing up and down on the dashboard. Hey, maybe Secretary of Transportation so Matt can fix those bumpy roads that make me vomit my cereal. There. Those are enough reasons to donate. All that and the war on terror and stuff. 'Cause we can't earn a living if our cities are blown up by angry Muslim extremists who want us to dress and pray like they do...and beat up on women and chop off limbs and stuff. So donate, okay?

MATT: Hey Buster!...Don't you think maybe you should be more positive when asking for donations?

BUSTER: No! This is working. I've raised $100 already! Look (pointing to totals).

MATT: Uh...that looks like the $100 I gave earlier this afternoon, bud.

BUSTER: Then what are you complaining about? It worked, see?

MATT: And what the heck is all this stuff about patronage jobs? Do you really think I'll be running the UN if we raise substantial money?

BUSTER: Yup! And I know you can't wait so you can have the building demolished and the auslanders sent home.

MATT: Oh...uh huh...... So which You Tube are you going to post? The 15 minute one?

BUSTER: Yeah, sure...why not? It's a little lengthy for a You Tube video, but not long at all for a speech. Besides, people gotta know why Fred got in.

MATT: True.

MATT: That's not the speech!!! That's a commercial from Australia.

BUSTER: Okay okay okay...okay. Uh...let me work on it.

MATT: Awwwwwwee...those meerkats are cuuuuute.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Patience Patience Patience

BUSTER: Are you ready? Are you ready already??? (tapping paw repeatedly).

MATT: Almost,...I just gotta finish posting in YOUR blog.

BUSTER: (impatiently) It's almost noon! We were supposed to leave out at 8am! At least you remembered to feed me.

MATT: Okay, okay! Almost done.

BUSTER: (more impatiently) You've been on that stupid computer all morning! Don't you know it's Later Day weekend??? We could be killed if we have to rush through it.

MATT: That's Labor Day weekend. And we still have time. Don't sweat it, kitty. Hey, Fred's announcing next week!

BUSTER: He's another one! You two take forever to do anything.

MATT: Well, we both believe in doing things right! Remember? "not on their time schedule, but OURS!"

BUSTER: (sarcastically) Welllll,'s time to go NOW.

MATT: Yes,...I think you're right.......Hey, you know you moved up to "slithering reptile" on the TTLB ecosystem?

BUSTER: Oooh,....really? Cool, I guess. Does that mean more readers?

MATT: Well, it means more links...which mean more possibilities for people to be exposed to the possibility of clicking on said link to arrive here...

BUSTER: Hmmmm......ARE YOU READY NOW?!?!?!?

MATT: Almost,...just have to include something from You-Tube about Fred.

BUSTER: *Sigh*

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Work Work Work...

After our little break at Bethlehem, PA, Matt got sick and got another day off. Guess he got tired of watching me barf so much he had to do his own little puke-fest.

When that was over we got stuck with another stupid load to Canada. It went rather well and uneventful for the first two miles or so, when we got pulled off the scale at their weigh station. The guy with the reflective vest came out and told Matt he was going to conduct "just a short inspection" and then we'd be off on our way.

It was no short inspection, but a full blown one, where the guy slid under the truck and inspected everything there...and then under the hood, ...and then made Matt pump the brake thingy,...and show all his paperwork that I played with earlier. Good thing I kept the important stuff in proper order. Matt can count on me. Then after about 45 minutes he let us go.

Since Matt and his truck passed this rigorous gauntlet successfully he got a sticker in the lower right windshield thingy that I bump my head on sometimes, and a sheet of paper saying he passed the inspection. Matt said that was worth 2 good safety points from his employer (a good thing, I guess) and $25 from them, too. So Canada this time wasn't too bad.

Then we went to upstate NY on a bunch of winding, hilly roads with sharp turns that turned my tummy upside down. So I puked. Matt wasn't happy. Then we sat forever getting our trailer loaded and drove over a multitude of steep mountains through PA, WV, VA, and NC before flatter land in SC and GA. Then drove up to North East Indiana,...much calmer. But now we're sitting in Amarillo, TX waiting for our hours to reset. Then off to Albuquerque, NM to deliver. All this in just over a week. That's truckin'.

Been so busy lately and haven't had the time to post here,...or on Matt's blog. We're just driving all day with just enough time to eat and sleep in between.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Fred Thompson in Iowa

BUSTER: Is that Fred Thompson?

MATT: (nodding) Iowa today making a speech at the State Fair.

BUSTER: He said he supports the 2nd Amendment.

MATT: (nodding again) Yeah.

BUSTER: He said he's Pro-life on abortion.

MATT: (nodding still yet again) Yes, he is.

BUSTER: He supports fixing Social Security and he likes the 10th Amendment.

MATT: (nodding and smiling) That's right.

BUSTER: I didn't hear anything about rights for cats.

MATT: neither. Maybe he'll talk about that next time.

BUSTER: (shaking head) He never talks about that.

MATT: Just what kind of rights were you interested in hearing about?

BUSTER: The right to make you give me treats...and...and to let me go outside when I want...

MATT: (rears back in heavy laughter) Are you kidding?

BUSTER: (long pause...looking very serious) No...I'm not.

MATT: Look, Buster. There are many other issues more important these days than cat's rights. Not that I have anything against them, but our very existence as a nation may be in jeopardy in the war on terror. You need to wake up to reality and put things in their proper perspective. We need a President who will do that and LEAD the country in the proper direction.

BUSTER: And that's Fred?

MATT: That's Fred. Tell you what,...I'll let you submit a question to the Republican You-Tube debate if you'd like.

BUSTER: Oh swell!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Major Accident---Not For The Squeemish

I have no pictures to share of what happened a few days ago...and am glad of it, for the images were not pleasant, and will be burned in my little kitty brain for months to come.

But on the morning of the 9th after Matt and I left the Iowa 80 Truck Stop, rolling westbound, we came upon stopped traffic. It was a line of vehicles stretching only about 1 mile at the time, but would stretch from the 233 mile post back to the previous exit before we were allowed to proceed.

Matt turned on his CB radio to get information on the delay, and together we listened as the news came in piecemeal about the horrible accident that occurred less than 10 minutes prior. Seems that a Trans Am with two young females (found out later this was wrong, it was two older women and a 2yr old) had been traveling at high speeds eastbound and passing everyone in sight. Then something happened-- no one knows what, and the women crossed over the median and crashed into oncoming westbound traffic hitting two cars, a van, and a six wheel truck. There were several fatalities (again, only 3 reported so far by news accounts--never trust C.B. chatter!), including an entire family (with baby) whose remains had to be pried out of their mangled vehicle (again, not true by news accounts--the baby was the 2yr old in the Trans Am who was flown to the hospital).

There we sat on the highway...watching ambulances, fire trucks, state troopers, flatbed tow trucks, and then a coroner's wagon pass us on the right shoulder. Even a rescue helicopter paid the scene a visit, so not everyone involved had died at the scene, hopefully.

We sat for only an hour and a half, as the rescue workers have had much practice in their vocations, before we were finally allowed to drive through. And when we did we all moved slowly by on the right shoulder, some slower than others, as each driver had to see what delayed their travels.

Matt glanced only briefly, as he has seen many of these in twelve years of professional driving, but I had to look. Most of the vehicles had been removed along with most of the bodies, probably taken to Iowa City. There were two left: the remains of the Trans Am scattered all over the place and the car it first broad-sided. Two men were standing in front holding a blanket to obstruct the view from passers-by, while two others were prying out the remains of whomever was left in the car. One body off to the left was wrapped from head to toe in a shiny gray blanket and strapped to a stretcher in full view of everyone. Perhaps on purpose?

The looks on the faces of the rescue workers and state troopers were both angry and grim, so Matt wasted no time in getting by them...until the car in front of us came to a full stop to gawk at the carnage. With a pull on the cord, Matt blew the big truck horn and the line of traffic once again proceeded.

You can never be too vigilant out on the highways these days as lives can be snuffed out in a blink of an eye. And I'm sure that the accident we saw made an impression on many of those who waited and viewed. But to some, of course, it didn't. In fact, there were several who passed us at high speeds afterwards who were trying to make up for lost time. And so it goes...

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Battle At Kruger

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU PUT THIS ON MY BLOG, MATT!!! The one time you post a video on this blog, and it's big cats losing against WATER BUFFALO, of all things!

Sitting And Waiting

Thank God we ran out of Cat Lax. That stuff tasted like....well, dog spit...yes...that's it, DOG SPIT.

Now Matt's giving me something much better tasting called Laxatone, which is sweeter and goes down easy. No longer does Matt have to cleverly wipe the substance on my paws, forcing me to "clean" myself by lapping it up. Now I can't wait to lick it right off his finger every morning. And how regular I am these days, clockwork. No puking at all...well, mostly not.

Today we're sitting in Indiana, doing a 34 hour restart of our hours of service. That is, we cannot run anymore legally because we've run the limit. So we sit for 34 hours straight to re-set our hours to zero and then run like the wind tomorrow. Here are a couple of pics of me from moments ago.
You can hardly make me out in one, it's so dark. The other I have alien-eyes-syndrome. There is something about that laptop case I find appealing. But what's up with the bordello background? Matt, can't you get new curtains for your truck? Faded red is PINK!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Health Improving

After a month of frequent puking, I am finally getting better. All it took was a trip to the vet almost two weeks ago in which I was examined, poked, prodded, and groped by people in lab coats. They even took an x-ray of me and I wasn't allowed to see it. No matter,...Matt says there was nothing to see except some poop in my intestines, which the vet gleefully pointed out.

Seems the problem was stubborn hair that just wouldn't pass properly. Seems it just got balled up and stuck here and there, slowing down the elimination process. So a laxative for me made up of cod liver oil, lecithin (whatever that is), malt syrup, white petrolatum (for sliding), and sodium benzoate (a preservative),.... Gosh,...they have everything but guar gum.

I can stand the taste, but I'm not overly fond of it. Matt tried to get me to eat it directly from the tube---NO WAY. So then he put some in my food dish...uh-uh. So then that rotten fat guy smeared some on my paws---bastardo!!! I had to lick it off. I couldn't leave it like that. A few times I tried to shake the stuff off,...but he smeared it too well. I HAD to lick it off. "Hmmm...not bad" I thought. But I've had better.

So now I'm gaining weight again and not vomiting at all. Life is good. Bring on those Democrats.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Clever Fred

BUSTER: So now I'm...what?...a crawly something thingy?...

MATT: A crawly amphibian!

BUSTER: What the heck is that?

MATT: It means, according to the TTLB,'re a frog

BUSTER: (frowns)

MATT: But that's just one example. There are many MANY kinds of amphibians....Snakes, I think...

BUSTER: What's after that?

MATT: A slithering reptile! Wait....that's a snake.

BUSTER: Oh, great. How many do I need to get to be something cool?

MATT: Some think snakes are cool. But you need 110 links to be a flappy bird.

BUSTER: A WHAT???? You mean a dumb bird is the best I can do?

MATT: Well, for now...yes. It's a long slog uphill. I wouldn't worry about it. The most important thing is to gain an audience. You can do that by linking to others and by writing good material.

BUSTER: Ah! So it's YOUR fault. You're the one writing this thing.

MATT: Well, yes I am the one typing, but the writing is inspired by you, kitty. You need to get off your hairy butt and do something interesting.

BUSTER: You want me to dance? Is that it? I gotta dance for you? (stands up on hind legs)

MATT: No, just talk about relevant topics. Like on Laura Ingraham...they talked about dog fighting because of that football player involved in that.

BUSTER: (putting up his dukes) wanna fight? Huh? Huh? (starts shadow boxing while dancing on hind legs).

MATT: Very impressive.

BUSTER: (feigns a punch at Matt) Gotcha! I gotcha. Too quick for yah. Way too quick.

MATT: I dare you to actually hit me.

BUSTER: (quickly punches Matt three times: chin, nose, then forehead). Haaaaah!

MATT: (looking shocked but hardly reeling) Oh, you're asking for it. Try that again.

BUSTER: I got cat-like quickness....(punches Matt again on chin with right paw)...cause I'm the cat and you're NOT. (left hook to jaw).

MATT: Hey! (grabs Buster by scruff of neck) (speaking with German accent) Und now you ah going to zee coolah. (puts Buster in kennel).


MATT: You forgot to mention Fred Thompson.

BUSTER: (instantly calms down) Oh...when is he gonna announce?

MATT: Soon.

BUSTER: What's taking so long?

MATT: He will announce on his terms, not the Democrat's. The Dems have been planning attacks to coincide with the announcement. But since the announcement has been delayed, the Dems can't hold back the someone with a blurting problem. They can't keep their mouths shut to save their own necks. So their stuff comes out early and awkwardly AND gains no traction.

BUSTER: Clever Fred.

MATT: Yes, so far it's working. The Dems are off balance. And in my humble opinion...getting nervous.

BUSTER: So it was kinda like what we just did, except for the German accent.

MATT: Correct! And for that I'll let you out. (opens cage door)

BUSTER: (punches Matt in left eye)

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Blogging For Fred

BUSTER: Matt! Matt! (jumping up and down cheering) I'M A SLIMY MOLLUSC!!! I'M A SLIMY MOLLUSC! (high-fiving Matt)

MATT: (high-fiving Buster) Good for you, Buster. What on earth are you talking about?

BUSTER: The TLB ecosystem! I've suddenly moved from multicellular microorganism to slimy mollusc. Do I have lungs yet?

MATT: I don't think so...not yet. (looking at blogrolls) Yes, I see you have lots of links now. Conservative Cat went ahead and put you on the cat lover blogroll.

BUSTER: (punching paw in the air) Yes!!!..... What's that other one?

MATT: Well, you have also been added to Blogs For Fred. Not sure how,... as you have never written a thing about him.

BUSTER: Will it move me up the ecosystem?

MATT: Uh...yes, it should make you a flippery fish by tomorrow.... They have gills....You're breathing water at this point.

BUSTER: Okay...okay. Breathing water. Okay, that's something...I guess. We gotta get more exposure! Are there other blogrolls I can join?

MATT: Whoa! Slow down. You need to know about this latest blogroll you joined. I think they put you on it because I'm on it.

BUSTER: You are?

MATT: Yes! Don't you read my blog anymore?

BUSTER: Been busy.

MATT: Hmmm. You need to know about Fred so you can actually blog for him. It wouldn't make sense to be on the blogroll and not mention him in your blog posts.

BUSTER: Yup. That's right. (long pause) ...So?.....Who is he?

MATT: He's running for President.


MATT: Yes!

BUSTER: I've seen him on TV.

MATT: Yes, he's on TV and has acted in several movies. He's also been a US Senator, US attorney, and co-chief council to the Senate Watergate Committee.

BUSTER: All that and a bag of hairball treats. Awesome! Does he like cats?

MATT: Uh...probably. I know he stands up for the unborn, voting against abortion whenever possible. He's by far the best conservative candidate for President out there.

BUSTER: Will I be the next Conservative Cat if I support him?

MATT: You are already supporting him. And yes, in a way. But you should let Ferdinand be Ferdinand and you be you. You are Truckin' Buster and that will never change...unless I get a different line of work.

BUSTER: A patronage job?

MATT: Shhh!

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Moochin' From Matt

BUSTER: Meow meow meow meow (pacing back and forth along dashboard as Matt approaches from parking lot) mieooooww! (jumps down to driver's seat) meow meow meow!

MATT: (opens driver side door, sees Buster) Heeeey Buster Kitty! (pets Buster repeatedly).

BUSTER: (in a much higher pitch) Meoww meeoww meowww. What the hell took you so long?!? (sniffs Matt's mouth) You didn't eat? Ahah!!! (sniffs Matt's plastic sack) You've got food in there!!! Smells like Taco Bell! Great!!! We're going to eat!!! We're going to eat!!!. (Turns circles on the seat, rubs cheeks against Matt's right hand---first the left then the right cheek).

MATT: (climbs in) Look out kitty...gettin' in. Aaah, no...we aren't going to eat. Mmmme is.

BUSTER: (claws at bag as Matt pulls it away) Whaddya mean me? Thought me was in you and me.

MATT: (singing) ...and we are all together! See how they fly like Lucy in the Sky or something or other. Sorry, this food is Matt food, not cat food. Besides, you were fed just before I left.

BUSTER: Yes I was, but not THIS stuff!

MATT: That's right! (sitting on bunk bed) You eat your food...I eat miiine. Now, if you don't mind. I'm gonna get out the laptop and watch Monk on DVD. You just behave yourself and be content with your cat cereal. After all, it's the best brand there is.

BUSTER: Oh...okay then. Well, if I eat the best cat cereal there is...then how about you eating cereal, too? Hmmm. What was that cereal you were talking about when we were in Oklahoma? Boo-Berry or Frankenberry or something?

MATT: (laughs) You mean the stuff that turns your poop different colors? Sorry, my years of being a guinea pig are over.

BUSTER: What's a guinea pig?

MATT: A small stout-bodied short-eared tailless domesticated rodent often kept as a pet and widely used in biological research, also known as Cavia porcellus.

BUSTER: Oooooh, Cavia porcellus. Yes, they're delicious. Why couldn't you bring one of those back instead of Taco Bell?

MATT: They give me gas.

BUSTER: Well, that depends on where you stick them.

MATT: WHAT?!?!? Okay,...I'm so not sharing ANY of this with you--not even a scrap. How could you say that? You know I'm not...that way.

BUSTER: (taunting) Then where's your girlfriend?

MATT: Where's YOURS?

BUSTER: Hey! I got fixed at the shelter. Remember?

MATT: Yes, and I wish I'd done it to you myself.

BUSTER: Oh hairballs! You gonna gimmie some of that burrito?


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Went Outside, Ate Grass,... Threw Up

Stopped through Oklahoma this past weekend. Got put back in the corner room again. It wasn't too bad---lots of things to investigate, but left alone a lot.

Some lady came in once and put my harness on. Then I walked her outside! That was great. There were lots of green growing things all over the place, and I ate as much of it as I could. She'd pull me back for some reason each time I tried to get a mouth-full, but I still got a stomach full of wild greenery. Almost escaped from my harness, too. Next time for sure. Later that night I threw up. But I know some of it stayed down, because I threw up again this morning. I sure love that green stuff.

Now I'm back in the truck waiting for Matt to feed me. He says it will be a while yet so my stomach can rest from all the puking. He says 36 hours or else I'll puke again. I don't think he knows anything. I'm gonna see if I can sneak some of that old cheese he tossed in the garbage this morning. It sure looked good. Ooooh! Is that a paperclip? No, just a mirage. I love paperclips and screws. They clank when they hit my stomach.

Watched DVD's with Matt last night. Saw Autofocus and then a Hogan's Heroes episode. Matt had a hard time watching Bob Crane in Hogans after seeing Autofocus again. He says now he only watches Hogans for Klink and Schultz. There were no cats in any of the episodes that I saw, but once there was this monkey... I drooled at the thought of eating him. Matt has assured me he'd be much larger in person and would probably eat me first. I assured Matt I would sneak up behind him and bludgeon him with something heavy, even though I have no opposable thumbs. Matt found that amusing. I didn't. I'm going to bed.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Back To Work, YOU!

Matt's Dad once told him that taking two weeks off work for vacation is like taking a nail out of your foot. But returning to work is like having to put the nail back in---the latter being worse than never having taken it out to begin with.

For me, a cat being chauffeured around the country in a semi, the only thing I have to worry about in returning to the road is vomiting. Yes, it is very hard to keep food down the way Matt drives: stop-n-go, swerve to the right/left, reverse until the trailer bangs into the dock, etc... So feeding me is a rather delicate operation. I won't say that licking my butt or eating ANYTHING that falls to the floor eg., paper, screws, paper clips, tooth picks, keys, notebooks, hammers,...doesn't contribute to an upset stomach, but feeding me the incorrect amount of food when I have a hairball about to erupt from my belly can cause quite a mess indeed. It is my cross to bear, and I do it without complaining. And I do love those treats he gives me that are supposed to get rid of hairballs, even though they NEVER work.

Matt says all I have to do is get my sea-legs back after being off for two weeks, and to stop licking my rear so much. When I suggested he do the same he got very upset with me and put me in the plastic kennel thing. Some people have no sense of humor.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Matt Abandoned Me Friday

BUSTER: So how was it?

MATT: Not bad. It was hot...very hot...around 90 degrees and very humid..., unless you stood in the shade between two buildings and caught a good breeze. Then it was nice.

BUSTER: Where was this at?

MATT: Just outside of Fox Studios in Manhattan. Actually it's called The News Corp. Building.

BUSTER: Oh...(yawns)...Sure glad you enjoyed it...(yawns again).

MATT: Hey! I saw Shepard Smith.

BUSTER: Who is that? Oh, that news guy on Fox,...that's right...(yawns). I saw him, too. You left the TV on.

MATT: Yeah, but I could see him do the news through the window on 48th St. and 6th. I even waved to him during a commercial break...and HE waved back.

BUSTER: What else could he do? He knew he was pinned down.

MATT: Hmmm. That's true. Plus some guy with kids was standing next to me. So he really had to wave back.

BUSTER: Ok then. (turning to walk away)

MATT: THEN I went to St. Patrick's Cathedral on 5th Ave.

BUSTER: (long exhale...turns to face Matt again) Oh?...And what happened there?

MATT: Well, I'll tell you--

BUSTER: (interrupting) WAIT!...(turns around several times before laying down and facing Matt with head propped on bent elbow). Ok,...(smiling)

MATT: I was sitting in the cathedral admiring the architecture and taking pictures when suddenly,...a service started.

BUSTER: Just like that? (suddenly interested)

MATT: Yeah. Pretty much. Everybody was walking around taking pictures, and then an usher undid the "museum ropes" and a priest, a nun, and some other lady came walking out to the podium to start Mass.

BUSTER: Wow. On a Friday, too.

MATT: Yeah! So I sat down with the others in the pews and participated. The sound system there isn't very good, so I only heard every other word. But it was a good service and I was inspired.

BUSTER: Uh-oh. Inspired how?

MATT: Well, they started giving out communion so I got to the end of the line---

BUSTER: (interrupting) Wait. Holy Communion?

MATT: Yeah.

BUSTER: (shaking head) Go on...

MATT: What.

BUSTER: I thought you never had Holy Communion in a Catholic church.

MATT: I haven't--only Episcopal, Baptist and Methodist. But I thought it would be cool to have it at St. Patrick's in New York. You know, Babe Ruth had his funeral there.

BUSTER: Really? So what happened next?

MATT: I followed the end of the line until it got to the nun, a very venerable and diminutive Italian woman with swollen arthritic hands, who raised the bread disc very high for me. I surprised her when I spoke to her saying I was baptized in a Catholic church but never had my first communion.

BUSTER: What happened then?

MATT: She looked at me rather puzzled, turned her left ear toward me and said "what?!?" I leaned in closer and started to repeat it when she cut me off saying, "never had first communion?" I continued and she interrupted me again and shook her head and said "no." Then she reached up to my forehead, not properly judging the distance I think, and bopped me with her arthritic hand, then smiled broadly while patting my forehead, saying "God bless you!" I thanked her and walked back to my seat.

BUSTER: Hmm. At least you were honest about it. I wonder how many others there were that weren't.

MATT: (shaking head) Doesn't matter.

BUSTER: Is that the picture of St. Patrick's?

MATT: Yeah

Thursday, June 7, 2007


At last!!! I got to eat something...about an hour ago. Now I'm lounging on Matt's bed, dead tired. Really, being hungry takes a lot out of a cat. Sure hope I don't bring it up. It wasn't much, so it should stay down. Then in the morning I'll get more, and then have the whole place to myself. You see, Matt intends to drive up to New York City for some reason. Not sure what the attraction is there. I've seen it from New Jersey. Looks awfully crowded. Hey, whatever teases his whiskers, I always say.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Sick on Vacation

Uuuuuhggggghhh. Just threw up this morning and feeling awful. It really sucks being sick on my vacation. Not really sure what's wrong with me. Just kinda one of those vicious cycles, I guess. I know I ate some paper earlier this week. It looked tasty. I chewed on it. It didn't taste bad and I was hungry. So I swallowed it. Later that night I threw up after two weeks of no vomiting.

Then while Matt denied me my usual meals so my stomach could recuperate, I got kinda hungry and jumped onto the kitchen counter (Extended Stay America) and licked some tomato sauce that hardened. Then I lapped some dirty dishwater from a pan left in the sink. Next morning after Matt fed me I threw up again.

Then last night after I pestered Matt repeatedly for a taste of what he was eating---he called it Wensleydale cheese with bits of cranberries, I tried just a little bit. After all, Ferdinand eats cheese balls, so why can't I? I wretched and wretched again until the cheese came back up.

Then Matt took a chance, since I begged so much, and fed me again this morning. I puked it up less than a half hour later. Now I have to go without food until tomorrow night, and then only a little bit. I'll starve before then. Maybe if Matt goes to NYC today I can get the fridge open and tip over a beer or something. I saw more cheese in there...that would be awesome!
He already cleaned out my litter box this morning, so old poop is out of the question. He even hid my catnip toys so I wouldn't tear into them for the tasty catnip middle. So here I sit...waiting and waiting to eat again. *Sigh*

Monday, May 28, 2007

Conniving Cat

BUSTER: What'cha drinkin'?

MATT: Guinness stout mixed with Harp Lager. (sips and returns mug to table)

BUSTER: What's that? (sniffs mug)

MATT: Beer. They call it black & tan, though some call it half and half. I prefer the former.

BUSTER: You know you're a truck driver, right?

MATT: So? (sips again)

BUSTER: Should you be drinking that?

MATT: I'm off on vacation!!! Woo-hoo!!! (tilts head back and howls some more) Woooo-hooo!!!

BUSTER: Meeeoooowwww!!!! That's right! No more truck for two whole weeks!!! Hey, gimmie some.

MATT: NO!!! No beer for you!

BUSTER: Why not?

MATT: It's bad for chocolate...and salt...and...(looks to sky...then to ground)...and certain kinds of mushrooms.

BUSTER: I don't think BEER is on the list.

MATT: (skeptically) I think alcohol is...and beer has alcohol.

BUSTER: Okay then. What do I get to celebrate with?

MATT: Uh...(eyes looking around...getting rather sluggish) Whaddya want?


MATT: No! Anything bu' thatt!...Besides, I don't have any leff' (chugs the last of the litre mug).

BUSTER: There's more in the fridge. (runs to fridge and opens door...paws at Harp bottle...bottle falls out of fridge)


BUSTER: Too late... I got me one! (smiling defiantly)

MATT: You'll never get i' open. (smiling confidently). You go' no thumbs, kitty!

BUSTER: All right! What do you want for opening this?

MATT: Uh...a wife! (laughs)


MATT: Huh? (disbelief). Oh..., I see.... You're gonna pluck one from the vine, huh?

BUSTER: Open that door (pointing paw to hotel door) and I'll go out and find you one.

MATT: Yeah..., right. (laughs)

BUSTER: No foolin'. You gotta remember, I'm a chick magnet. When the chickies see me they fawn and go "awww, what a cute kitty" and they pick me up and pet me--that's your cue. You move in and claim me. The rest happens naturally.

MATT: (contemplating and buzzing from beer) Tha' could work. My goo'ness that cou' werk.

BUSTER: Sure it could. And it will. (nodding)

MATT: (nodding with Buster) Okay...(walks somewhat crookedly to door and opens it)

BUSTER: (walks cautiously to door...looks up at Matt) So long....suckerrrrrr! (Buster runs out into hallway and sprints for main front door) Birdies! Birdies! Where are those crunchy birdies?!? I'm comin' tah getcha!!!

MATT: (sobering up some) Hey! Heeeeyyy!!! (running out into hallway) (seeing hotel manager) GET HIM!!!


MATT: YEEEESS!!! THAT CAT!!! (pointing to Buster) BLOCK HIM!!!

HOTEL MANAGER: Okay okay. What's his problem? (reaches down to grab Buster by back legs)

MATT: He doesn' like being a house cat.

BUSTER: NO no no no no no. You bastards! I wanna go out! ....(to self) close....and far...(shaking his head)

MATT: (picking up Buster) Getting me a wife, huh?

BUSTER: (innocently) I was overcome by the whiff of freedom. (smiling but rather fake) I can still try to find yah one.

MATT: No thanks. I have enough trouble with you. (walking back to room holding cat)

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Buster's Appearance on the David Litterbox Show

DAVID LITTERBOX: So, you’re Buster….is that short for anything? (audience giggles)

BUSTER: Depends on who you talk to. Best not to go there.

D.L.: Gotcha. Well, tell us a little about yourself then.

B: Well David, I’m a domestic short haired cat. I’m mostly black as you can see, with white on my muzzle and belly. Oh, and my paws, too.

D.L.: Yes, very nice…and very shiny, too. Hey Paul, isn’t Buster’s coat shiny?

PAUL SCRAPER: Yeah sure, whatever, Dave. Ha ha ha. Here’s my Buster song: (organ starts, Paul sings) Hey Buster Buster…You gotta nice shiny coat, oh yeah…!(very weak applause from audience)

D.L.: Yes, thank you Paul (nods and smiles).

B: (yawns)

D.L.: Okay, so you’re new on the scene. Where’d ya come from?

B: Well,…Matt, my owner, rescued me from a shelter in Easton, PA. Though it really seemed like a nut house to me. Bunch of cats with “problems,” ya know? And we’re all unwanted, too. It was a life of squalor I don’t care to return to. Plus, they “fixed” me there. You know what I mean? (audience gasp)

D.L.: Yes, and we know just how painful that can be. But now you’re out of there and doing what?

B: Well, I’m living with Matt, usually in his truck except when we stop for 4 or 5 days and get a hotel.

D.L.: My lack of God! You live in a truck? (audience gasp)

B: Yes, a semi truck with a stand-up sleeper. Pretty roomy for me. Plus I get to sit up on the dash and admire the view.

D.L.: Okay, but what about these hotels? Are they fleabags? (audience laughter)

B: No, he’s very choosy about where we stay. Sure is lots nicer than that Green Room of yours. I asked the lady for sardines and she gave me sushi! Not for me, babe.

D.L.: So what do you do at these hotels?

B: Uh, run around the room a lot, chase flies that aren’t really there, scratch up the furniture, and fling my toys around the room like there’s no tomorrow.

D.L.: So what’s next for you?

B: I’m workin’ on runnin’ away. Cats are never fully satisfied with what they have, and hey, I’ve done it before. I need to get out into that tall grass and chase bugs and crunchy birds. If I found a mouse…oh, that would be awesome.

D.L.: Wouldn’t you miss cat food?

B: Yeah, I might. He feeds me that gourmet stuff,….Pro-somethin’. It aint bad for dry food, but sometimes yah just gotta eat something that’s movin’.

D.L.: Like Tweety! You know, (pointing at Buster) you look a lot like Sylvester! (more audience laughter)

B: That’s an insult! Sylvester is a boob! (audience gasp) Why he can’t catch that scrawny little yellow bird with the oversized head is beyond me. It’s embarrassing to watch (light applause from audience).

D.L.: Yes, but…

B: Forget it, Dave. I’m outa here. (throws his saucer of milk at Dave and saunters out)(audience gasps again) (music plays) (cut to commercial).

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Parking Lot Etiquette

Tonight we are in Lake Park, GA at the Travel Centers of America arguing about what to do about an incident that happened only moments ago, not more than 20 feet from our truck.

MATT: (exasperated) Well, just what do you want me to do about it? Go pick it up with my bare hands?

BUSTER: (flabbergasted) The hands you pet me with? No way do I want that...that...that filth on my head!

MATT: (pointing) It's up to that s.o.b. who stood there looking away while his dog did that to pick it up.

BUSTER: (interrupting)...with his bare hands! And then pet his mutt on the head! (nodding) Yeah!...that's right! What a pig. He just let him do it right in the middle of the parking lot. How do I know you won't be tracking that in here?

MATT: I'll be careful.

BUSTER: (interrupting again) ...but you'll forget tomorrow-- tomorrow morning when it's early...and you'll bring it back with you. Well, you aint comin' back in here if you bring that doggie doo with you, pal. Versteh?

MATT: When the hell did I teach you German?

BUSTER: (doing Schultz) I know nuth-ing!...nnnnnuth-ing!

MATT: Oh yes, the Hogan's Heroes DVDs

BUSTER: Go talk to the guy!

MATT: And say what? I know what his answer will be. He'll say his dog goes where it wants to and he can't control it, and he didn't plan it, blah blah blah with a hillbilly accent. Besides, he looks kinda scary.

BUSTER: I don't believe it! You're afraid.

MATT: Tomorrow night we'll watch Deliverance and you'll see why. No, seriously. I'm not afraid of the guy. It's just that I know how it will end---probably a shouting match that gets so silly it loses its meaning. Never argue with an idiot. You'll sound like one yourself.

BUSTER: That's a cop out. Just go out there and scratch him. (claws the air to make his point)

MATT: Why don't YOU do that and I'll bail you out of Animal Control.

BUSTER: (shivers) oooooh.....No way! Sadists--all of them!

MATT: (laughs) All right then. We'll just sit here and make fun of the guy on our C.B. radio and get someone else to beat him up.

BUSTER: Good idea! Maybe get a rottweiler after him! They're nasty.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Countdown to Vacation

Only nine days until vacation time!!! Woo-hoo!!! Then we get a hotel!!! Lots of room to run around crazy and dig my claws into the carpet... But nine days is a very long time....too long. I'll try not to think about it. Two weeks sitting in one one hotel...not driving...not in a motion throwing up (at least not as much)...

Matt seems to be having just as much trouble with this as I am. He keeps forgetting his underwear...or eating meals...using his turn signal...which exit to get off on...what direction he's going...which state he's driving in... Everyday seems twice as the minutes drag on...until he pulls our truck into the terminal yard and drops that puppy on its nose---no!...on its landing gear,..uh yes, that's it.

MATT: I really don't know if I want to write about my underwear.

BUSTER: Relax. It'll be fine. It looks real. The readers will dig it. Besides, it's all true. You forgot to wear your undies yesterday, and your boys were all over the place.

MATT: I doubt anyone really noticed.

BUSTER: Yeah, uh-huh. You said that waitress in Bloomington was especially nice to you. Now we know why. Really, Matt. That's why women love cats so much. We don't wear underpants either.

MATT: I see. I think maybe I should try not to think about it.

BUSTER: Women and underwear?

MATT: No! My vacation. The more I think about taking two weeks off, the slower it comes, and the crazier I get.

BUSTER: Yeah, I hear yah. Like yesterday when I thought your leg was my scratch-post. Does it feel better tonight?

MATT: I'll get over it. The rubbing alcohol helps.

BUSTER: Sorry about that.

MATT: Don't mention it.

BUSTER: So what are we gonna do?

MATT: About what?

BUSTER: What are we gonna do on our vacation?

MATT: Well, WE are gonna get a hotel, where YOU are gonna lay around all day and run around all night keeping me up, like you always do when we take time off. But I will do a little traveling here and there in my car with the camera.

BUSTER: Oh yeah? Got any examples of your camera work?

MATT: Yes, I do.

BUSTER: And what the heck is that?

MATT: That is the Washington Monument in a kind of sepia tone.

BUSTER: You nerd.

MATT: Yup! And proud of it.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Tales of Apartment Hunting (very scary, indeed)

Earlier this week I sent Matt out to find us an apartment to live in during our many 4 to 5 day breaks from driving. You see, I've grown so weary of watching Matt have to move so much junk out of the truck every time we take time off at a hotel, that I've decided to allow Matt to spend some money on a permanent type of residence for both of us. Unfortunately I sent him to the Harrisburg, PA area to do this. Little did I know the horrific stories he would tell upon his return.

Apparently, apartment living has changed somewhat in the past twelve years, according to Matt, who lived in apartments from '82 to '95.

"It's a lower class of riff-raff than ever before," Matt says. "The housing boom has taken most of the good renters out of the market and made them owners. The landlords, in turn, have to lower their standards and fill empty residences with ho's, drug dealers, and trash of a general nature. This results in dangerous apartment living conditions and at the very best, trashy looking domiciles." After going out for 3 days and viewing several dwellings he has returned with nothing but a broken spirit.

MATT: They're nothing but a bunch of animals, Buster! Oh, offense.

BUSTER: (shakes head) I can't believe you just said that. Apologize!!!

MATT: I just did.

BUSTER: Oh....uh....your apology is not good enough. I will suspend you for 2 weeks, but after 4 days of it I will fire you instead. I will declare your career over, but you will probably resurface in a few months on the radio somewhere.

MATT: Sounds like a nice gig. What station?

BUSTER: (smiling) Very funny. So what happened out there. You find us a place to flop?

MATT: Yeah, plenty of places to flop!...which is why I didn't grab any of them. It was very disappointing to say the least. Lots of beat up cars in their lots, noisy teenage kids with skateboards, and other eyesores. Plus, some of the landlords like playing games with prospective renters.


MATT: I had one tell me on the phone they accept cats. But when I filled out the application I noticed it said "no pets" at the bottom. When I asked her about this she said "no pets" is also written on the lease, but that it only applies to dogs. I told her that cats are considered pets, too. And I'd like her to include an addendum to the lease allowing one cat. She said they have a few residents with cats but they don't include it in the lease. I answered by saying "if it isn't in writing then I can't sign the lease." So after talking to her manager on the phone she said "sorry, guess you gotta keep looking."

BUSTER: She's a crook!!!

MATT: Yup! Big one.

BUSTER: She could change her mind at any time and boot us out for violating the lease!

MATT: Yup. I stomped outa there.

BUSTER: Good! Did yah throw your saucer of milk at her?

MATT: don't drink it that way.

BUSTER: Oh...yeah. You've got those great, long thumbs....hmmm...yes. Well, don't take any crap from those two-legged rat-bags. My litterbox biscuits have more character.

MATT: Well, another one told me on the phone "no monthly cat fee" and "yes, you can view the apartment before you put down the deposit," but that changed when I showed up. Still another one told me I'd have to sign the lease before I could view the apartment. It's crazy! But then I discovered, which would've saved me several trips. Problem is there aren't more than a couple of good ones to rent from in the whole area. Good thing we aren't desperate.

BUSTER: I dunno. I was kinda looking forward to that big jungle-gym scratch post you promised to buy me. Remember that 5'x7' Picasso-like carpeted thing you said I'd get?

MATT: Yeah yeah.... Sorry, it won't fit in the truck.

BUSTER: *Sigh*